Leave

Well it’s 2019 and I’m doing the thing. I live in Portland now. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for such a long time. I’ve always enjoyed the diversity and conveniences of cities and Portland is my favorite. 

 

I’m going to miss the hell out of my roomates. We’re such a weird group of awkward introverted people. I’m going to miss D&D nights where we would get together and usually end up talking about music for 4 hours and maybe, just maybe, make progress in our campaign. 

 

Parker is the dad of the house. Always making sure everything around the house is taken care of. Always making striving to make the perfect hamburger and running to Papa Murphy’s because he got a coupon in the mail. 

 

T.J and I would always have the weirdest conversations. Most of the time it had to do with music and film critique. Or about all the weird people he meets working as a barista. Anyway, thanks a lot for all the pop music that I hate myself for liking. Dick. 

 

Angela joined the house months after we got it. I got her into my favorite show, Terrace House, which I consider an accomplishment.  Also she really likes warm non carbonated soda? Excuse me?

 

I’m so glad I got to live with Cooper for a year. He’s fucking hilarious and we spent so much time playing video games together. I would intentionally play certain songs while cooking just to hear him sing obnoxiously. I hope he eventually has a job that isn’t an hour away. 

 

Most people hate their job but I really don’t hate mine. I’m honestly pretty lucky. I worked there for 5+ years and helped open the store. I’ve met so many interesting and cool people working there. But I’m going to definitely miss Danielle the most. She is honestly the hardest working person that I know. I’m so proud of how far she’s come and her bravery throughout all of the medical procedures she’s endured. I’m gonna miss ya, kid. 

 

I think I’ve always had this fear that people would take me moving away personally. There are many people here that I love and have so many great memories with. But for me, moving away is something that I need to do in order to grow as a person. I want to be in an environment where I don’t feel out of place. Every time I’ve been in Portland I’ve felt a freedom and a carefreeness that no other place has provided. Something I’ve never felt while living in Idaho. 

 

There are parts of living in North Idaho that I’m going to miss, but sometimes the sacrifices make up something that is even better than you think. There’s a part of me that is terrified, I won’t even try to deny that. But the overwhelming part of me is more excited than I’ve ever been about life. So much is changing, and it’s all for the good of myself. 

Love ya,

 

 

Adapting

Hey there. 

 

Since I last wrote, I had just moved into my new place and started to enjoy some of the perks of living closer to the city. I stopped writing for the video game site I was writing for at the time in order to focus more on school. I made some good friends that I spent the majority of my free time with. 2016 may have been bad for a lot of people, but it was great for me.

I didn’t get a dog in 2016 like I had hoped, but I’m currently working on trying to get one within the next couple months. I want to train it to be an emotional support dog. This way, I will be able to bring the dog to more places when needed. I can’t express how excited I am to get my own dog!

People always say you learn more about yourself as you get older, and I can verify that. I’ve learned my strengths and weaknesses, especially within the past few months. I know that I constantly think of the people that I care about, and this can sometimes lead to not taking care of myself. It’s all a balancing act that can be overwhelming at times. But I’m getting better at it.

I started to journal every day, and that has helped gather my thoughts and emotions into a form that I can look back on. I’ve always journaled, but it’s never been consistent. I’m a pretty private person, and this has been a good way of expressing myself without becoming vulnerable.  

As for school, I finally have some ideas for a career that I continue to look into. Then again, there are other things in motion that may lead to something entirely different. I had to take a break from school at the beginning of 2017 because, well, money. I don’t do a whole lot in the winter, so I’m currently looking for a part-time job on top of the full-time job I currently have.

Winter has been harsh this year. It has been constantly in the low teens, and the snow refuses to slow down. This has also made it hard to go out and do anything fun. It’s been a lot of spending time with friends and family at home, and I am extremely grateful for that.

I hosted my first ever party on New Year’s Eve, and it went so much better than I had planned. Well, besides throwing up in the shower the morning after. I wanted to close out 2016 with the people who I had shared memories with. I’m so thankful for those who continue to allow me to be a part of their lives.

There are things happening in 2017 that I am so excited about. 2016 was good for me, 2017 will be even better.

 

Thank you all so much.

 

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Let’s See What Humanity is Capable of Handling

   Depression. I talk about it a lot. It’s something that  will always carry with me. Sure, there are ways that I can combat the dreaded feelings, but the anxiety will never leave me. Medication and other means are merely holding it off while I try and live my life the best I can.

For me, I need to keep my mind distracted. Often when I’m left in silence, my mind wanders to dangerous places. These spaces tend to be negative, and can throw off my entire day. From the moment I get out of bed, I put headphones in and listen to a podcast or music. The worst time depression can kick in is right as your day is starting.

Music is one of the ways that I stave off those feelings. Finding that song or album that gives you emotions that nothing else can is incredible. Those tunes that give you chills and put your soul into a better, happier space. That song that you can close your eyes and feel every vibration and the mixing of tones throughout the track. It’s amazing.

Sometimes that feeling hits you, and you can’t do anything about it. You’re in a public place, you’re at work, and there’s no space for you to go and fix yourself. These are the worst parts of depression. You just have to keep yourself together and fake a smile until you can find your safe space.

All of this is a continuous learning experience. You learn more about yourself, you find the things that truly make you happy, and the triggers that get you down. You hold onto the things that you love, and do your best to keep sadness at bay.

I don’t write this for anyone to pity me. I write because writing is my release. I can look back on my personal writing and see how much progress I’ve made.

I’m in a good place right now. I’m working full time, attending college, and writing about video games in my free time. I’m continually thankful for everything that has been given to me.

 

//Thank you//

2016, I’m Coming For You

Most of my personal blog posts consist of me complaining about things in my life. Not this one.

 

Ask me anything about Godzilla 

 

I feel mentally stronger than I ever have. Coming out of bad experiences has given me strength that I never knew I had. I’m at a point where I can do what I want. Hell, I could move to a different city this year if I really wanted to. I’m in a place where I’m financially stable, and I have nothing holding me back.

 

WHERE IS PR2?!?!

 

I’ve grown closer to my family more than ever. I look forward to holidays, where I can hang out with my awesome family and laugh until there are tears in my eyes. Especially when alcohol is involved.

 

Oh right, STAR WARS IS BACK.

 

This city isn’t where I want to stay. I have a desire to live close the ocean, not for the golden sands, but for the lighthouses and clouds. I’ve grown accustomed to the CDA area, but it will never be where I want to spend the rest of my life.

 

Ask me how much I love John Wick

 

Despite having every system on the market, I’ve played fewer video games last year then every year before. This may be a factor of having a full-time job, and taking several classes, but I’ve grown to spend my time with other things. It may be premature to announce it here, but I think I want to go E3 this year. I’ve gained an incredible spark to return to writing about video games again.

 

P5: SOON.

 

I miss playing drums so much. There’s an expression there that cannot be filled with anything else. I ended up selling the electric kit in order to build my PC, and I would be lying if I said I regret that. Luckily, I have my starter kit that I bought when I was 14 and have started making repairs in order to sell it, and use that money to purchase an electronic kit that I would be able to play in an apartment environment.

 

Get emo with me and talk about La Dispute.

 

I AM GETTING A DOG THIS YEAR. I’ve accepted my love for the canine, and I want, no, I NEED a dog companion. I’ve wanted a beagle since I was very young, and I’m at the point where I’m tired of waiting. I want to train him to become a psychiatrist service dog. I truly believe that animals have the ability to aid those with mental illness. Having a dog that I can rely on no matter what is important to me. 

 

*HIGH PITCHED SQUEAL*

 

 

I can’t express how thankful I am right now. I have worked hard to get where I am at. I have become a better person than I was last year. I’ve figured out who I am, and who I never want to be. I’m turning 24 this year, and I still feel like I have so much life to experience.

 

Have you watched The Raid 2? You should fix that.

 

Thank you.
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The Nichols Clan

I could probably write an entire book on my family. I mean, there is nine of us. We’re a weird family, I don’t think anyone would disagree with that, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Squad.

Dad

My father is one of the most respectable people I know. He taught me the work ethic that I know and use every day. The lawn business that he started was so that we, his sons, would be able to make money. As a naive twelve-year-old, I didn’t realize the importance. I wanted to sleep in on Saturday’s, but instead, my dad would get my ass out of bed to mow lawns all day. He constantly scolded me for slacking off, but that ultimately made me into a better person.

Mom

I’ve been through some rough times these past few years, and my mom can always tell when something’s wrong with me. I can try and hide it, but she will always see through it. I feel bad sometimes, being that much of a worry. I don’t know where I would be without her support.

 

T.J

T.J and I beat the shit out of each other when we were kids. I would tease him about the length of his hair, and he, being the stronger one, would always pummel me. Music was everything for us. We would always show each other the new bands that we were into and talk about them for hours. We even jammed a bunch of times going under the name: Bloodline. Nothing ever came of it, as I had a falling out with drums, but those are still some great memories.

Cooper

Cooper has changed so much. I remember him being the bratty younger brother. While I and T.j often got along due to music, Cooper was much younger, and that made it harder to get along. The three of us could never do anything musically, as we had a hell of a time getting along. Cooper had the same love of video games that I did. He would easily beat all of me and my friends at Mario Kart. Now he’s just some dumb nerd who works at a grocery store. :33333333

Suzie

I remember when Suzie entered our lives. She was a little chubster that we nicknamed “Mo’” for whatever reason. She’s grown up so fast. While most kids would often lack responsibility at her age, Suzie embraces it. Out of the four younger siblings, Suzie takes the leadership role. This sometimes makes her bossy, but she’s really good at it.   

Lincoln

We called Lincoln Bilbo when he came into our lives. He looked like a little hobbit with his white hair. The doctors that evaluated Lincoln told our family that he may never be able to walk. As a family, we proved them wrong by working with him. He also showed signs of speech problems too. We helped him with this by working on sign language with him. He still stutters when he speaks, but he has improved greatly.

Jill

I cannot wait until Jill is old enough to use social media. She says the most random things that I wish I could share with everyone. She is always wanting a hug and kiss and asks the strangest questions.

Millie

Millie is going to go places. She is almost always reading a book. Unlike Lincoln, Jill, and Suzie, Millie is introverted like the rest of the family. Sometimes she leaves the table from dinner early so she can be alone with her books. She also might be the toughest kid I know. No one in the family messes with her, and if they do, they’re probably going to get punched.

If there is anything I’ve learned the past few years, is that most people don’t come from a loving family like mine. I am forever thankful for all of them. While I and my parents don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, they’ve always been there for me, and supported me, no matter what stupid thing I did.

I love all of you.

Melodies tied to Memories

Mediums can often become connected within specific memory. For myself, music is tied within moments throughout my life. While listening to these albums, memories come flowing back. Here are the albums that come to mind:

Messengers: August Burns Red

Out of all of these albums, this is the one I’ve listened to the most. During my sophomore-junior years of high school, I played this album on my iPod every day while walking to school. Every. Day. Not only did it get me pumped for my day, it completely changed the way I thought about drumming. Seriously, every wanna-be drummer at the time tries to mimic Matt Greiner’s style, including myself.

Heartthrob: Tegan and Sara

I associate this album when I was at my lowest. I would listen to it in between driving to different Starbucks, trying to get a wifi signal so that I could train for my job at the time. The cups of hot tea that I went though that Fall are embarrassing. 

Worlds: Porter Robinson

Not only is this my favorite album of 2014, but it helped me a lot when my depression was at its worst. I used to play “Divinity” because it instantly improved my mood. Something about the ambient high pitched sounds accompanied with the soft female vocals always helped me.

Wildlife: La Dispute

Where do I start with Wildlife? It has some of the best songwriting I’ve ever heard, along with really good instrumentation. Some of the songs really describe depression in a way I can identify with. I don’t consider myself a fan of poetry, but I can really get into a La Dispute song.  Also: King Park will give you chills every time.

Define the Great Line: Underoath

I would describe myself as a wanna-be-emo-kid in junior high; It all derived from this album. It was my first “heavy” album that I really got into. Memories of hot summer’s, reading manga, and listening to this album on repeat are still clear as ever.

The Bones Of What We Believe: Chvrches

I really got hooked on this album. It was during a time where my driving distance to work had increased and this album became on the constant play during those cold dark nights.

Come Now Sleep: As Cities Burn

If there was a sad album that I constantly played in high school, this was it. The first track, in particular, would often leave me an emotional wreck. It made me think about my faith at the time and questioned my beliefs.

Update .V2

Woof, these past few months have been a doozy.

School starts next week and I still can’t get the damn payments set up. Financial Aid really makes you work for it. Here’s to another year of sitting over a computer and reading for hours on end.

Work has been up and down. Since taking over from the previous boss, I’ve lost several employees and had to pretty much-run everything myself. Despite this, I still maintained everything and even did better than last years numbers (and that was with two other people working). If this continues, there may be bonuses at the end of the quarter.

ヾ(＠† ▽ †＠）ノ

These past few years I’ve learned so much about myself. I discovered and accepted my introverted personality. I took on depression both with and without the use of medication. I’ve grown more culturally, accepting others no matter their background. I’m eating the healthiest I’ve ever eaten and loving it. I’ve become better at socializing with others; a skill that took many years to accomplish. My family has become closer to me than in years past. And I’ve realized the importance of people, not the shitty ones, the ones who show you new things, exchange words when you really need it, compliment you when your self-esteem needs a boost and laugh at your dumb jokes. These are the people that you should surround yourself with. As much as the introvert that I am, those moments mean much more than sitting in your room all alone.

I have new goals:

I want to write a book. It’s a story that I’ve been working on since I was twelve, and is nerdy as hell.

Travel. I really want to wander in the cities of Japan. Their culture/media has had such a prominent impact on my life, and I just want to take it all in.

Finish school. I have a long way to go, but I really want to prove to everyone that I can do this.

Read more. I really, really should. Manga doesn’t count.

If you’re still reading this, thank you. You spent your valuable time on reading something that I wrote. Thank you.

Contentment

If you’re reading this post, thank you. It’s because of people that care about anything that I do that helps me. This post is mostly to give an update on where I’m at, as well as to talk about mental illness.

I can relate to this.

 

So, I have depression. Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill myself or anything. I’m currently taking medication. I tried the using natural methods, like, vitamins and exercise, but they weren’t helpful. Taking meds has been the best, although I can no longer consume beer.  I rarely have “bad” days and I have been much more talkative with folks. Since my depression is hereditary, it is likely that I will have to fight this illness for the rest of my life.

JET JAGUAR.

 

Work has also been pretty cool. I am now the Produce Manager, which I honestly like. It pays fairly well, and the people I work with are generally awesome. Getting up at 4 am every morning has been a challenge, though.

😀

 

I just completed my first semester back from school, and it feels really good. When I initially entered college, I really didn’t have an idea of what I wanted to do, or had any motivation. I was pursuing education after high school just for the fact that  it was the thing to do. I now have goals and have grown up since then. I only took two classes this semester, and I will be taking four in the fall.

C Y B E R P U N X

 

I have felt so much better lately and I needed to share what’s been going on with me as of late. Take care of yourselves, friends.

Guys, it’s ok, Persona 5 is coming.

Determination

Hey there.

 

My last personal blog post focused largely on the negative emotions that were affecting me. 2013 was a really difficult year. I feared that I was the verge of depression, that things could not get better, and that I was stuck in a tragic cycle.

 

2014 is has been great.

 

I acquired a full-time job at a natural food store as an assistant manager. Opening a brand-new store is much more difficult than one would think. I shouldn’t complain, though, I had an insane amount of overtime in the initial month. The pay increase has helped me begin to pay off my debts, as I had a Macbook Air financed right before work was slowing down. I used my credit card to buy food often, which led to even more debt.

As an introvert, taking the role of assistant manager is challenging. I dislike ordering people around and no one wants to be around a bossy person. My fellow employee’s are generally pretty cool. Everyone is hardworking with no douche-bag types to be found. There are only a few downsides, but the positives outweigh them. Working in retail full-time does give me more drive to become a paid writer. The retail biz just isn’t for me. I only do it because it pays decent and I have a modest amount of knowledge about it.

 

The balancing act of writing, working, and going to school in late August is something I am not looking forward too. The ideal scenario is to go to school full-time during the week, then write professionally in my free time. I’m not a social butterfly, so the undertaking of writing and playing video games all weekend appeals to me. One can dream, right?

As long as I keep at it, my writing should improve. A year ago, my typing speed was probably around ten. Now, I average around thirty. Not ideal, but it’s nice to see an improvement of some kind. Now to perfect my grammar skills!

I purchased plenty of books in the beginning of the year, all of them having something to do with writing/grammar. The real struggle is taking the time to write, read, and play the occasional game in between. This is challenging as long as the internet exists, Imgur and YouTube being prevalent examples. It’s troublesome to write after working a long day. The last thing my body wants to do is use my over socialized-introverted brain. Can’t I just sit here and continue to click-through Imgur? Sure, but I’ll be upset with myself later. I’m getting better, though, the insane work schedule I started with earlier in the month has halted, giving me time in between to pursue my real interests.

 

As far as video games go, I genuinely haven’t dabbled in anything for a significant duration. The server that I attended on Rust died down, probably due to the influx of games that were released last month. January was a lull in terms of significant games, and that’s when Rust was the most popular on Steam. I hope to dive back into Rust once I get some friends to roll with. I have enjoyed the small time I’ve had with Telltales latest releases, though.

 

I have some good pitch ideas I hope to run by some smaller sites. One that will require extensive research and the other dedicated to exploring why Silent Hill 2 is great. I’m also thinking about doing some video with the SH2 post. Trying to find something topical to write about is another problem. Most of my idea’s are based on older games. Every idea that I come up with has been covered at this point.

 

Being proud of something I have written is my ultimate goal. From there, I believe I will have the confidence to go out and make my first pitch!

The Rust Diaries: Mutiny

The Crafting Center was created by two individuals who desired both neutrality, as well as to assist new players. It started very limitedly. Players could bring items that are craftable, and the owners would make whatever they needed.The two players acted in character and were friendly to everyone they came across. Of course, there are the usual Rust jerks that want to grief-friendly players. Hostile players began to steal and ultimately led to the Crafting Center adding armed guards.

Beyond the Crafting Center lies danger.

The neutral and friendly vibes attracted players to the region. Many wanted to play the game without the constant worry of death and a sense of security from the community. The two began to build apartments where players could live for a mere one-hundred wood. This lead to the area becoming too crowded, and many players couldn’t help themselves from stealing their neighbors loot. It only took a few days, but the Crafting Centers generosity would lead to its tragic downfall.

At this point, other players on the server began expressing their concerns with the rumors that the CC was no longer a peaceful community, but a large group of bandits.

The Crafting Center

Their worries were valid.

I logged on one night to witness something that can only happen in a survival game: A naked man came running up to the area seemingly only out of curiosity. Two armed members approached him quickly asking the naked man if he lived in the apartments. As soon as he answered “no”, he was blasted with a shotgun. “Kill anyone that doesn’t live here,” says the culprit to the other guard. This was no longer the peaceful community I originally wanted to be a part of.

An example of cheating. One of the few annoyances in Rust.

I logged on the next day to find the community arguing amongst each other. Afraid that a mutiny had occurred, I kept quiet in my room while listening in. From what I have gathered, the following is what happened:

One of the members had some friends that changed their names to seem as though they were the original founders. The con artists began slaughtering members, confusing people on who to trust. The other founding member arrived to find out what exactly happened when a mutinous group killed and destroyed his sleeping bag.

Founding leader “Pansy” saying his goodbyes to the server.

The other original member returned to the community to talk to everyone one last time. He truly wanted to have a peaceful community. Unfortunately, this is a game without any rules. Trust is a fragile ideal in Rust, and those who do use it, usually end up feeling betrayed.

People that want to experience Rust need to know what they’re going into. Other players will take advantage of the new guys. It’s going to happen. Having an experienced friend that you can trust is a plus. If you do go alone, though, watch your back.

Trust no one.

Me and my significant other built this tower. Unfortunately, the server was wiped, erasing hours of building.